Worth the wait

I took a moment to scan my last post. What clarity a few months can bring. There is a lot of anger in there. Valid. Justified. But still, wild anger fueled by sadness, hurt, denial, arrogance, rage, but mostly… confusion.

After I got that out of my system, I vowed to wait to write again. To wait for the calm. The clarity. To gather what I have learned in this divorce and wait…until my words could help others, and not tear anyone down. Especially, him.

And oh how I wanted to tear him down. For everything. So, I waited.

Because I knew, if I took this moment in time…my divorce…this complete unraveling of my entire life as I knew it..

If I was brave enough to look inward and ask myself the hard questions…

This might be how I find peace and happiness. Answers and clarity. Resolve and inner calm. Worth and acceptance. Tolerance and grace. A life worth living.

So, I waited.

 

 

 

Lying By Omission

I never had the exact words to explain.

There was something. Something about the way he would LEAD the party to a conversation. He would orchestrate the subject and theme of the topic. He would suggest the horse walk toward the trough..hold the leather lead in his hand …finger it, gently..to calm the animal.

 

And here, in this calm..he did his most damage.

I have known this person 23+years. From the first, there has been one consistent issue resurfaced year upon year… I find myself asking, “So, you didn’t tell me XYZ because I didn’t happen to stumble across the exact right question to ask… to corner you into telling the truth that you know  you should tell me.”

And most often, his response was Nill to a bland, “huh?”

Which I know, now…

that I grew strong enough to leave…is a defense mechanism called “Lying by Omission.”

It drove me NUTS. Years, upon years…I KNEW he was lying. I knew he was a crock of shit. I knew he was cheating on me with Kari and using our children as “hangout bait”. But, I COULDN’T prove it. Because I never asked the “exact right question.”

**

Do you know how depressing it is to have a failed marriage and a husband who cheated on you for 5+ years with a co-worker, when you KNEW something was up but you were made to feel “crazy” the minute you asked about it?

And then the REAL abuse started. Once I was onto him, he spearheaded his “innuendo” slam platform of my character. Which, my best friends and sister, bought in to. Without so much a SINGLE conversation with me. Because I am uncouth. I am wild. And, I am upset, highly, when accused of something that is FLAT not true. I simply cannot remain calm in the face of BLATANT lies.

So, I find myself arguing for someone…ANYONE to believe me over CLEARLY BIAS ASSHOLE statements.

Do you know how demoralizing it is to ask your sister and best friends to BELIEVE you? Over the worst P-O-S you have ever had involved in your life? To BEG your life long allies to BELIEVE you over this liar.

 

And ultimately, to have everyone…your sister, your Aunts, your close friends…EVERYONE you have ever cared for, beyond any doubt. Everyone, trust the words that are NOT  coming out of this liars mouth. But rather, that are extrapolated and glued back together, out of order or context, to paint a picture of discord.

Bravo ASSHOLE. Bravo. This has ALWAYS been your forte. To get a listener to “say” something completely bias and largely untrue about me. So you can nod along and walk away “clean”and simply “agreeing with what EVERYONE is saying.”

That is called LYING BY OMISSION.

Your Go-to tactic.

Lie.by.omission.

Which forces me to appear crazy to SHUT YOUR LIES UP and put the TRUTH out there.

So I put this out there. On my PERSONAL Blog. For me. For the masses dealing with spousal abuse. (in ALL it’s forms)

Please, review…

https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2013/12/29/abusers-liars-narcissists-will-all-want-their-victims-to-keep-quiet/

 

And NEVER forget.

The ABUSER chooses to ABUSE you. He/She chooses to hurt you. They choose to use you. They choose to manipulate you.

YOU are NOT crazy. It happened to you. Never discount this. Do not make excuses.

They DO NOT care about you. They ONLY care about themselves. FACT.

A poem, not of my own words, perhaps reading my thoughts

No Path by David Whyte

There is no path that goes all the way

Not that it stops us looking
for the full continuation.

The one line in the poem
we can start and follow
straight to the end.

The fixed belief we can hold,
facing a stranger that saves
us the trouble
of a real conversation.

But one day you are not
just imagining an empty chair
where your loved one sat.

You are not just telling a story
where the bridge is down and there’s
nowhere to cross.

You are not just trying
to pray to a God you imagined
would keep you safe.

No

you’ve come to the place
where nothing you’ve done
will impress

and nothing you
can promise will avert
the silent confrontation,

the place where
your body already seems to know
the way

having kept
to the last its own secret
reconnaissance.

But still, there is no path
that goes all the way

one conversation leads
to another
one breath to the next
until
there’s no breath at all

just

the inevitable
final release
of the burden.

And then
your life will
have to start
all over again
for you to know

even a little

of who you had been.
~David Whyte

I’m back babies

Yes, it’s been HALF A YEAR since my last post but darlings… I’ve returned. Nothing like the 1st day of the new year to make you wake up and smell life ticking away. This year, I resolve to take a little (Lord knows I barely have time to blink) time for myself. And that starts right here. Doing something I really love to do. Write. One tiny blog post at a time.

Now that the trainwreck twin pregnancy is over, it’s difficult to find something to chat about. What will people want to read now that I’ve exploded and there isn’t any wreckage to gawk at? What do I have to say, regardless of what others want to read? Am I even interesting in the least bit? Ha. I am to my kids. And that’s a start…

For those out there wondering how the heck a mother of three, and twin pregnancy, looks 7 months post delivery…one more purple shirt picture post.

Excuse the curlers...in a hurry!

7 months post twin delivery.

You named him what?

Lately, introductions with the boys has gone something like this..

New person meeting them- “Oh they are just precious…what are their names?” 

Me- “Thank you! George and Luke.” 

New person (while grimacing and smiling all at the same time)- “Ahh, Luke. That’s such a cute name.” Awkward silence. “So how old are they?” 

Seriously. What is everyone’s deal with the name George? I think it’s down right adorable. Obviously I LOVE it or we wouldn’t have named one of our children with it…for LIFE. Sure, it’s a bit old fashioned. To me, that’s the charm. He’s wise beyond his years and he’s only 1 month old. Tack in a middle name like Winston and you might as well pencil him in the presidential election, 2048. 

Truth be told, George is a family name on both sides of our family. Nick’s maternal side grandfather was a George. He passed not long ago and we still miss him. Conversations of “remember when Grandpa did this” come up often and the importance of his life and legacy are not lost on us. Also, upon family research, my father’s grandfather was the original George Winston. Hence Winston coming down the line as my maiden name. He died young. We don’t know much about him. However, the point is…our family is rich in George and now we have brought the name back. Honored it. And it just so happens…we really like it. Go figure. 

Well what about Luke? 

As I mentioned in the delivery post, I fully expected a boy and a girl to come out. I had no scientific evidence to support this. We specifically asked to not know the genders but somewhere deep down, I thought…a mother just knows 

Well turns out I didn’t know diddly. Out came two sets of twig and berries and boy was I surprised! We had discussed names. Many combination of names. And, it had long been decided George Winston was a definite. But…in the rare case two boys came out…we ran through a plethora of “2nd” boy names. Now this doesn’t mean we don’t LOVE Luke’s name. We really do. In fact, Luke was one of the rare names we both looked at each other and smiled about. I guess that’s how you know it’s really a keeper. Now..I know it’s cliche but I first came to like the name watching Cool Hand Luke years ago. It stuck around in the back of my brain and now, in my 30’s, I  was in need of a great boy name. Hudson, on the other hand, was completely my doing. (You’re welcome Nick) We were driving back from our last trip to the beach before the twins arrived and spent the better part of that 7 hours finalizing names. Out of the clear blue…Hudson came to me. I had heard it before (as a first name) and made a good case for it. Nick flat said, “No.”…I wouldn’t back down…

Me- “But…I went through ALL THIS (hand circling in front of bulging belly)  and you can’t even let me pick the middle name of the 2nd boy that we’re not even going to have?” 

Nick- ” Well if you want. I guess.” 

Me- “Gee thanks”

There you have it. Our 2nd name…Luke Hudson. And you know what? We get so many genuine complements on that name. If there was a baby naming award show..we might walk away with a golden diaper for that one. 

 

40 weeks Due Date

Today would have been 40 weeks. June 6th, 2012 was the “due date” for all practical purposes and had we had one baby, I may be going into labor right now. As it is, the boys were born almost 3 weeks ago.

So how are we doing? The boys are great. I am super. We are all tired, hungry and covered in milk spit up but that’s exactly how life should be. George and Luke have been to the pediatrician twice and received excellent bills of health. Nick looked relieved when the Dr. announced, “yep, they both have both.” I’m sitting there scratching my head wondering what the heck they were talking about when it hits me…ahh..the male “parts” of the main part. Duh. So much to learn about boys, I don’t know where to start. Actually, I did learn pretty quick to have a pee-pee rag on the changing table, less you want a squirt in the eye.

George stats: Born 5 lbs 14oz, left hospital at 5lbs 4oz, 2 week check up at 6lbs 15oz!

Luke stats: Born 5lbs 11oz, left hospital at 5lbs 2oz, 2 week check up at 6lbs 9oz!

Grow boys grow!!

In stark contrast to their growth, I’m shrinking at an alarming rate. In talking with other mothers of multiples, I had heard you lose the baby weight FAST and after packing on 45 pounds, I was looking forward to testing that theory. Boy were they right. Delivery day, I topped 170. 1 week later I was down to 144, 2 weeks post delivery at 134, and now 3 weeks out (tomorrow) I’m at 132. Pre-prego weight was 125. I cannot believe I’m 7 pounds from that. Let me put this out there..is all the weight distributed the same as pre-pregnancy? Heck no. The belly area is a bit of a train wreck but that’s ok. For now. It reminds me of a giant grape that has shrunk to a raisin. Time will tell if I can get the elasticity back. However, I’ll be a raisinette if it means having these two sweet boys at my side.

1 week post delivery with twins

2 weeks post delivery with twins

37 weeks with twins. YIKES!

Thank you all for thinking of mom. She is doing better and recovering from a stroke, fractured skull and broken hip. Prayers work! 

The Delivery

The post is dedicated to my mom who today is gravely ill. She loved reading this blog and I know she was anxiously awaiting this post. I only wish I had written it sooner. I take comfort in knowing she was here for the delivery and met our new babies. Man, how her face lit up.

 May 17th. We had a new delivery date. 37 weeks + 1 day with twins. I’ll always claim that extra day because let me tell you, being THAT pregnant with twins, getting through another day was a monumental event. By this point I was miserable. The human body is not meant to carry “litters” and the effects of two humans inside me was taking its toll. Blood pressure was up. Swelling in both legs.. much more so in the right. I could barely walk and hobbled around on two swollen tree stumps. Headaches, body aches, couldn’t breathe, and the worst of it all was the gestational diabetes. My kidneys were in overdrive trying to keep up with the demands of three humans. Each day I consumed enough water to allow 3 camels to travel the Sahara and back. I could NOT go without water..even for more than 15 minutes. Which meant, there was 0 sleep going on. I was D-U-N. So when we went for the 37 week check up and Dr. W said “enough was enough” and it was time for them to come, I felt such a relief wash over me. I damn near kissed the man.

Dr. W had suggested May 18th or 17th so we choose the 17th. You see, our wedding anniversary is May 18th. We wanted one day to ourselves as the rest of the year forever more would be dedicated to our kids. (as it should be) So we arrived at the hospital at 3pm. Csection scheduled at 5pm. Whoever thought it was a good idea to make a pregnant woman wait until 5pm (without food or water for 8 hours prior) should be punished. Remember the whole can’t go without water? Yeah well..I was dying to have water but I kept reminding myself that we were about to hold these sweet babies and I could wait. I HAD to wait.

Things were happening so fast. A team of nurses running in and out with forms and needles and giant compression socks. (left leg medium, right one XL) I thought I would have time to call my immediate family members and chat as we waited for 5pm but I was wrong. We managed to squeak in calls to all parents and siblings and then it was GO time. Nick’s mom had arrived from Louisville days before and my mom had come in from Dallas 10 days prior so they were at our home waiting on Nick’s call to come up to the hospital and meet the new grand babies.

Waiting time between 3-5pm

Before I knew what was happening, it was time to go back. They wheeled me in bed down the halls and all I kept thinking was (1) let them be ok (2) let them cry and take good breaths (3) I hope Nick doesn’t pass out (4) What are the genders?? (5) Let me be ok. Funny how having kids and a family makes you think of yourself last. Here we are again, minutes before going in…I was smiling so big because of everything about to happen and the fact that in moments I would be able to use my lungs!

Happy family of 3 about to become 5!

If you have ever had a Csection, you know the woman goes back first and leaves the significant other waiting in the hall. They need to “prep” the lady which means stick a HUGE needle in her back to completely numb her lower half. I’ve had two Csections and I’ll never get over that strange feeling. Not the needle (that’s actually no worse than a bee sting) but the feeling that you’re losing feeling. You’re there, yet not there. Very odd indeed. Then before I knew what was going on, Nick was at my side and I started to smell a very bad smell. I remember saying, “what is that??” and the doc said, “that’s you dear…we’ve started” Oh yeah right. I forgot the whole laser through the flesh part.

OK, let’s fast forward to the good part because frankly the other stuff is a bit gory and unpleasant on the stomach. I of course have pictures because I instructed the nurse to “spare no expense” when capturing the birth of my little ones. But I am strange like that. A bit Dexter-esk towards blood, minus the whole serial killer part. However, I would never post those pics…you’re welcome.

So there was Dr. W pulling out Baby B first and we had asked the the entire staff to not say the gender. I wanted Nick to have those honors. Here comes the baby (at 5:26pm) and WAAAAA WAAAA WAAA was all I heard. Music to my ears. Nick jumps up to peek over and quickly announces, “It’s a BOY!” I remember him saying that and simultaneously, I remember being able to breathe again. Both very good feelings. Exactly one minute later, Baby A was on the way. I kept thinking…ok, here comes the girl. For whatever reason, I had it in my head the entire pregnancy that we were having one of each. At 5:27, WAAA WAAA WAAA…Nick jumps up..only this time they had already taken the baby to the warmer so he left my side to go see. Our conversation then went exactly like this…

Nick- “It’s a boy!”

Me- “I know, what is the other one?”

Nick- “A boy! We have two boys!” (exclamations are necessary because he was actually speaking with such excitement)

Me- silent for at least 20 seconds. “But we have so much girl stuff…”

HA! That’s all I could think to say. I was completely dumb-shocked we had two boys. Nick meanwhile was all smiles and a few tears. Within minutes the neonatal doc came over to tell us both babies look amazing. Neither needed any assistance and both would be going right to the well baby nursery. NO NICU. If I could have gotten up off that table, I would have hugged him so tight. This was the one thing I was worried about the entire pregnancy. Being born too early. Needing NICU. Needing help. Kailey was in the NICU 3 months and it almost broke me in half. I needed these boys to be healthy more than anything…and here they were…perfect.

With that, the nurses wrapped them up and brought them over for Nick to hold. First just one, and then the other. Nick said, “I don’t know how to hold them..” To which the nurse replied, “you’ll learn pretty quick..” and plopped them both in his arms. There sat the proud dad grinning from ear to ear. Looking back and forth at each as if this was the final set at Wimbledon. Here are a few of the babies first pictures…

Nick holding both babies

Baby B – 5lbs, 14 oz

Baby A- 5oz, 11oz

And just like that, they were here and it was time to head to the nursery while I went to recovery. Nick went with the babies and I stayed for the final act. Turns out, I ended up with quite a bit of bleeding. I didn’t realize the extent at the time because I swear the anesthesiologist pumped in some extra feel good juice once the babies were out but my one hour recovery turned into about 3 as I had to be monitored from the blood loss. Meanwhile, Nick was with the babies and gave them their first bath. Both grandmas had brought Kailey up to the hospital and they all watched from the behind the nursery glass. I wish I could have been there but Nick says everyone stood in awe of the twins and just imagining that makes me smile.

The next few days were a little extra tough on me and I ended up needing a blood transfusion. BUT…all in all, small price to pay and I would do it all over again to ensure the babies were healthy. Pushing the pregnancy to 37 weeks + 1 day was draining on my body but exactly the time they needed to mature. As I write this, we are 10 days post delivery and we’re all home and doing great. I feel fantastic and my ailments are diminishing more and more each day. Here we are all leaving the hospital on the same day! Another dream come true because before their birth, I kept trying to prepare myself that they may have to stay a little longer than me.

Leaving as a family of 5

So, that about sums it up. OH WAIT…the names you ask?? Well…may I introduce to you…

George Winston S. (formerly Baby B)

and

Luke Hudson S. (formerly Baby A)

George left, Luke right

So what’s the deal with their names? Well stay tuned…another post my friends…

36.86 weeks…eviction notice served

Well babies…it’s been an adventure. One that started years before you ever came to be.    Now the time has come to finally meet you. Hold you. Love you. Forever.

This past Saturday we spent the night in the hospital monitoring fetal movement and my blood pressure. The past 2 weeks I could tell things were changing and sure enough my  BP was slowly creeping up. Multiple pregnancies are prone to this so I knew to keep an eye on it. Saturday afternoon, after a 2 hour nap, I woke to a pounding headache and pressure reading 150/90. (uhh oh) Checked 5 minutes later and it was up to 156/92. (I’ve been hovering around 115/70 this whole pregnancy) Quick call to the doc, and off to the hospital we went. Everything turned out ok that night and we were sent home on Mother’s Day with strict bed rest orders (shocked I made it this far without bed rest!) and  an appt. first thing Monday morning.

Yesterday we arrived at the office and my BP was up again. 140/90. Mind you, this isn’t terribly high but (1) it’s high for me and (2) there is a clear pattern of it going up. Taking this into consideration, and the fact that my Uric Acid level came back high at the hospital, Dr. W decided it was time to go ahead and call it. Clearly my body was giving signs that I was rounding the corner to PreEclampsia. For now, he says I have Pregnancy Induced Hypertension. We’ll be 37 weeks on Wednesday (Full Term) so the benefits of another week start to diminish when compared to the risks we could soon face.

Drum-roll…he moved the scheduled CSection up from May 23rd to May 17th. That’s right…in 2 days! I’ll be 37 weeks + 1 day. He actually wanted to try for Friday, May 18th but that is our anniversary and we asked if it was possible to have that one day to ourselves. To not have to share it with the kids. (Because as all parents know..you willingly give everything to your kids) He chuckled and agreed. So there you have it. MAY 17th at 5pm…we should be ready to head in and meet these cutie pies!! I’m only nervous about two things. (1) The health of Baby A. (2) The health of Baby B. I know I’ll be ok. Nick will be ok. The Doc will be ok. Just let me hear some good cries… let them take some good breaths… and the weight of the world will be lifted. We know they are still coming a little “early” although not technically premature anymore. Everything should be fine. God willing.

So guess what I’m doing today besides a blog entry while on “bedrest”? (aka recliner rest) Doing what I do best. FREAKING OUT. haha. Making list after list of things that need to be done before they come. What is Nick doing? Making golf plans for tomorrow…after all, he won’t be able to go for a long while! That’s why I love him. He’s Yin to my Yang. We balance each other because Lord knows two of me would self implode in 10 seconds flat.

Tomorrow, I promise to get up, put on that purple shirt one more time, and take that 37 week photo! (and post) I’m so excited to meet them and not be pregnant that I might just pee myself. Umm..too late.