I never had the exact words to explain.
There was something. Something about the way he would LEAD the party to a conversation. He would orchestrate the subject and theme of the topic. He would suggest the horse walk toward the trough..hold the leather lead in his hand …finger it, gently..to calm the animal.
And here, in this calm..he did his most damage.
I have known this person 23+years. From the first, there has been one consistent issue resurfaced year upon year… I find myself asking, “So, you didn’t tell me XYZ because I didn’t happen to stumble across the exact right question to ask… to corner you into telling the truth that you know you should tell me.”
And most often, his response was Nill to a bland, “huh?”
Which I know, now…
that I grew strong enough to leave…is a defense mechanism called “Lying by Omission.”
It drove me NUTS. Years, upon years…I KNEW he was lying. I knew he was a crock of shit. I knew he was cheating on me with Kari and using our children as “hangout bait”. But, I COULDN’T prove it. Because I never asked the “exact right question.”
Do you know how depressing it is to have a failed marriage and a husband who cheated on you for 5+ years with a co-worker, when you KNEW something was up but you were made to feel “crazy” the minute you asked about it?
And then the REAL abuse started. Once I was onto him, he spearheaded his “innuendo” slam platform of my character. Which, my best friends and sister, bought in to. Without so much a SINGLE conversation with me. Because I am uncouth. I am wild. And, I am upset, highly, when accused of something that is FLAT not true. I simply cannot remain calm in the face of BLATANT lies.
So, I find myself arguing for someone…ANYONE to believe me over CLEARLY BIAS ASSHOLE statements.
Do you know how demoralizing it is to ask your sister and best friends to BELIEVE you? Over the worst P-O-S you have ever had involved in your life? To BEG your life long allies to BELIEVE you over this liar.
And ultimately, to have everyone…your sister, your Aunts, your close friends…EVERYONE you have ever cared for, beyond any doubt. Everyone, trust the words that are NOT coming out of this liars mouth. But rather, that are extrapolated and glued back together, out of order or context, to paint a picture of discord.
Bravo ASSHOLE. Bravo. This has ALWAYS been your forte. To get a listener to “say” something completely bias and largely untrue about me. So you can nod along and walk away “clean”and simply “agreeing with what EVERYONE is saying.”
That is called LYING BY OMISSION.
Your Go-to tactic.
Which forces me to appear crazy to SHUT YOUR LIES UP and put the TRUTH out there.
So I put this out there. On my PERSONAL Blog. For me. For the masses dealing with spousal abuse. (in ALL it’s forms)
And NEVER forget.
The ABUSER chooses to ABUSE you. He/She chooses to hurt you. They choose to use you. They choose to manipulate you.
YOU are NOT crazy. It happened to you. Never discount this. Do not make excuses.
They DO NOT care about you. They ONLY care about themselves. FACT.