Worth the wait

I took a moment to scan my last post. What clarity a few months can bring. There is a lot of anger in there. Valid. Justified. But still, wild anger fueled by sadness, hurt, denial, arrogance, rage, but mostly… confusion.

After I got that out of my system, I vowed to wait to write again. To wait for the calm. The clarity. To gather what I have learned in this divorce and wait…until my words could help others, and not tear anyone down. Especially, him.

And oh how I wanted to tear him down. For everything. So, I waited.

Because I knew, if I took this moment in time…my divorce…this complete unraveling of my entire life as I knew it..

If I was brave enough to look inward and ask myself the hard questions…

This might be how I find peace and happiness. Answers and clarity. Resolve and inner calm. Worth and acceptance. Tolerance and grace. A life worth living.

So, I waited.

 

 

 

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Lying By Omission

I never had the exact words to explain.

There was something. Something about the way he would LEAD the party to a conversation. He would orchestrate the subject and theme of the topic. He would suggest the horse walk toward the trough..hold the leather lead in his hand …finger it, gently..to calm the animal.

 

And here, in this calm..he did his most damage.

I have known this person 23+years. From the first, there has been one consistent issue resurfaced year upon year… I find myself asking, “So, you didn’t tell me XYZ because I didn’t happen to stumble across the exact right question to ask… to corner you into telling the truth that you know  you should tell me.”

And most often, his response was Nill to a bland, “huh?”

Which I know, now…

that I grew strong enough to leave…is a defense mechanism called “Lying by Omission.”

It drove me NUTS. Years, upon years…I KNEW he was lying. I knew he was a crock of shit. I knew he was cheating on me with Kari and using our children as “hangout bait”. But, I COULDN’T prove it. Because I never asked the “exact right question.”

**

Do you know how depressing it is to have a failed marriage and a husband who cheated on you for 5+ years with a co-worker, when you KNEW something was up but you were made to feel “crazy” the minute you asked about it?

And then the REAL abuse started. Once I was onto him, he spearheaded his “innuendo” slam platform of my character. Which, my best friends and sister, bought in to. Without so much a SINGLE conversation with me. Because I am uncouth. I am wild. And, I am upset, highly, when accused of something that is FLAT not true. I simply cannot remain calm in the face of BLATANT lies.

So, I find myself arguing for someone…ANYONE to believe me over CLEARLY BIAS ASSHOLE statements.

Do you know how demoralizing it is to ask your sister and best friends to BELIEVE you? Over the worst P-O-S you have ever had involved in your life? To BEG your life long allies to BELIEVE you over this liar.

 

And ultimately, to have everyone…your sister, your Aunts, your close friends…EVERYONE you have ever cared for, beyond any doubt. Everyone, trust the words that are NOT  coming out of this liars mouth. But rather, that are extrapolated and glued back together, out of order or context, to paint a picture of discord.

Bravo ASSHOLE. Bravo. This has ALWAYS been your forte. To get a listener to “say” something completely bias and largely untrue about me. So you can nod along and walk away “clean”and simply “agreeing with what EVERYONE is saying.”

That is called LYING BY OMISSION.

Your Go-to tactic.

Lie.by.omission.

Which forces me to appear crazy to SHUT YOUR LIES UP and put the TRUTH out there.

So I put this out there. On my PERSONAL Blog. For me. For the masses dealing with spousal abuse. (in ALL it’s forms)

Please, review…

https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2013/12/29/abusers-liars-narcissists-will-all-want-their-victims-to-keep-quiet/

 

And NEVER forget.

The ABUSER chooses to ABUSE you. He/She chooses to hurt you. They choose to use you. They choose to manipulate you.

YOU are NOT crazy. It happened to you. Never discount this. Do not make excuses.

They DO NOT care about you. They ONLY care about themselves. FACT.

A poem, not of my own words, perhaps reading my thoughts

No Path by David Whyte

There is no path that goes all the way

Not that it stops us looking
for the full continuation.

The one line in the poem
we can start and follow
straight to the end.

The fixed belief we can hold,
facing a stranger that saves
us the trouble
of a real conversation.

But one day you are not
just imagining an empty chair
where your loved one sat.

You are not just telling a story
where the bridge is down and there’s
nowhere to cross.

You are not just trying
to pray to a God you imagined
would keep you safe.

No

you’ve come to the place
where nothing you’ve done
will impress

and nothing you
can promise will avert
the silent confrontation,

the place where
your body already seems to know
the way

having kept
to the last its own secret
reconnaissance.

But still, there is no path
that goes all the way

one conversation leads
to another
one breath to the next
until
there’s no breath at all

just

the inevitable
final release
of the burden.

And then
your life will
have to start
all over again
for you to know

even a little

of who you had been.
~David Whyte

I’m back babies

Yes, it’s been HALF A YEAR since my last post but darlings… I’ve returned. Nothing like the 1st day of the new year to make you wake up and smell life ticking away. This year, I resolve to take a little (Lord knows I barely have time to blink) time for myself. And that starts right here. Doing something I really love to do. Write. One tiny blog post at a time.

Now that the trainwreck twin pregnancy is over, it’s difficult to find something to chat about. What will people want to read now that I’ve exploded and there isn’t any wreckage to gawk at? What do I have to say, regardless of what others want to read? Am I even interesting in the least bit? Ha. I am to my kids. And that’s a start…

For those out there wondering how the heck a mother of three, and twin pregnancy, looks 7 months post delivery…one more purple shirt picture post.

Excuse the curlers...in a hurry!

7 months post twin delivery.

You named him what?

Lately, introductions with the boys has gone something like this..

New person meeting them- “Oh they are just precious…what are their names?” 

Me- “Thank you! George and Luke.” 

New person (while grimacing and smiling all at the same time)- “Ahh, Luke. That’s such a cute name.” Awkward silence. “So how old are they?” 

Seriously. What is everyone’s deal with the name George? I think it’s down right adorable. Obviously I LOVE it or we wouldn’t have named one of our children with it…for LIFE. Sure, it’s a bit old fashioned. To me, that’s the charm. He’s wise beyond his years and he’s only 1 month old. Tack in a middle name like Winston and you might as well pencil him in the presidential election, 2048. 

Truth be told, George is a family name on both sides of our family. Nick’s maternal side grandfather was a George. He passed not long ago and we still miss him. Conversations of “remember when Grandpa did this” come up often and the importance of his life and legacy are not lost on us. Also, upon family research, my father’s grandfather was the original George Winston. Hence Winston coming down the line as my maiden name. He died young. We don’t know much about him. However, the point is…our family is rich in George and now we have brought the name back. Honored it. And it just so happens…we really like it. Go figure. 

Well what about Luke? 

As I mentioned in the delivery post, I fully expected a boy and a girl to come out. I had no scientific evidence to support this. We specifically asked to not know the genders but somewhere deep down, I thought…a mother just knows 

Well turns out I didn’t know diddly. Out came two sets of twig and berries and boy was I surprised! We had discussed names. Many combination of names. And, it had long been decided George Winston was a definite. But…in the rare case two boys came out…we ran through a plethora of “2nd” boy names. Now this doesn’t mean we don’t LOVE Luke’s name. We really do. In fact, Luke was one of the rare names we both looked at each other and smiled about. I guess that’s how you know it’s really a keeper. Now..I know it’s cliche but I first came to like the name watching Cool Hand Luke years ago. It stuck around in the back of my brain and now, in my 30’s, I  was in need of a great boy name. Hudson, on the other hand, was completely my doing. (You’re welcome Nick) We were driving back from our last trip to the beach before the twins arrived and spent the better part of that 7 hours finalizing names. Out of the clear blue…Hudson came to me. I had heard it before (as a first name) and made a good case for it. Nick flat said, “No.”…I wouldn’t back down…

Me- “But…I went through ALL THIS (hand circling in front of bulging belly)  and you can’t even let me pick the middle name of the 2nd boy that we’re not even going to have?” 

Nick- ” Well if you want. I guess.” 

Me- “Gee thanks”

There you have it. Our 2nd name…Luke Hudson. And you know what? We get so many genuine complements on that name. If there was a baby naming award show..we might walk away with a golden diaper for that one. 

 

40 weeks Due Date

Today would have been 40 weeks. June 6th, 2012 was the “due date” for all practical purposes and had we had one baby, I may be going into labor right now. As it is, the boys were born almost 3 weeks ago.

So how are we doing? The boys are great. I am super. We are all tired, hungry and covered in milk spit up but that’s exactly how life should be. George and Luke have been to the pediatrician twice and received excellent bills of health. Nick looked relieved when the Dr. announced, “yep, they both have both.” I’m sitting there scratching my head wondering what the heck they were talking about when it hits me…ahh..the male “parts” of the main part. Duh. So much to learn about boys, I don’t know where to start. Actually, I did learn pretty quick to have a pee-pee rag on the changing table, less you want a squirt in the eye.

George stats: Born 5 lbs 14oz, left hospital at 5lbs 4oz, 2 week check up at 6lbs 15oz!

Luke stats: Born 5lbs 11oz, left hospital at 5lbs 2oz, 2 week check up at 6lbs 9oz!

Grow boys grow!!

In stark contrast to their growth, I’m shrinking at an alarming rate. In talking with other mothers of multiples, I had heard you lose the baby weight FAST and after packing on 45 pounds, I was looking forward to testing that theory. Boy were they right. Delivery day, I topped 170. 1 week later I was down to 144, 2 weeks post delivery at 134, and now 3 weeks out (tomorrow) I’m at 132. Pre-prego weight was 125. I cannot believe I’m 7 pounds from that. Let me put this out there..is all the weight distributed the same as pre-pregnancy? Heck no. The belly area is a bit of a train wreck but that’s ok. For now. It reminds me of a giant grape that has shrunk to a raisin. Time will tell if I can get the elasticity back. However, I’ll be a raisinette if it means having these two sweet boys at my side.

1 week post delivery with twins

2 weeks post delivery with twins

37 weeks with twins. YIKES!

Thank you all for thinking of mom. She is doing better and recovering from a stroke, fractured skull and broken hip. Prayers work!